Aries Aries (21 March – 19 April)

Before the powerful eclipse of the moon in your sign on the 29th, dear Aries, things are likely to get worse before they get better. You may be experiencing hysteria and are likely to cause trouble. You need to snap out of it and get this silly nonsense out of your head. Ask your GP for a pelvic massage to bring you to hysterical paroxysm. Later in the month your rosy cheeks, optimistic approach and hard work will be rewarded.

Taurus Taurus (20 April – 20 May)

Expansive Jupiter has moved into your solar seventh house of partnerships. Bestowing Jupiter’s competitive edge can dissipate your feelings of inadequacy. Smoking nicotine will give you the burst of dopamine needed to incorporate small connective gestures into your routine and make you look more sophisticated. No other sign looks quite so fertile this year, so get used to the smells and sounds of latex.

Gemini Gemini (21 May – 20 June)

Jovial Jupiter the benevolent protector of the zodiac is spending this year in the health and fitness area of your horoscope. At the end of the month vulnerable emotions, aphids and red spider mites are all potential problems. From today and for the next few weeks your home and family life is likely to come under the spotlight. Difficulty swallowing may be a sign of upper digestive problems. But fear not dear Gemini as mono sodium glutamate might be the key holder.

Cancer Cancer (21 June – 22 July)

Your natural element water will result in fluid retention, but Saturn is well placed to favour your diet and weight loss efforts. This is your cue for a dramatic transformation in looks and attitude, as Jupiter hits an unstable orbit, bee stings on the lips will give you a voluptuous pout and the lift you deserve. The venom contains enzymes and peptides, which are wonderful at reducing swelling and increase blood circulation. As your metabolism speeds up at the end of the week, don’t be afraid if an aggressive turtles head reveals itself. Facing this visitor may be painful, but believe me dear cancer, he is an old friend.

Leo Leo (23 July – 22 August)

Leo rules the heart and spine and is here to inform you that love and hate can co-exist indefinably. But love and depression are opposites in a fight where love has bad odds. Even out the odds with monoamine oxidise inhibitors, if this is ineffective, blood letting may be required to release past demons and the absorption of cholesterol. If you can embrace a good cardiovascular fitness regime while Saturn is in your sign this year, then you will reap the rewards.

Virgo Virgo (23 August – 22 September)

Mercury the winged messenger god that rules your sign blessed you with an analytical eye and restless mind. You are genetically blessed with messy thinking and should celebrate your natural edge. On the weekend of the 11th, the fear of the Lord adds length to life, just like magic. Don’t question it. From the lips of an adulteress drip honey. Don’t be surprised if a happy family event or occasion is announced soon!! The majority of leg ulcers are caused by poor circulation check for the early warning signs: sores and varicose veins.

Libra Libra (23 Sept – 22 October)

The Aries eclipse opposes you at the end of the month; your thoughts have recently become increasingly clammy and slimy and are contagious. Similar to a verruca the treatment needs to target the root. On the forehead directly in front of the left frontal sinus drill a 15mm hole to reveal the top layer of the dura mater. From here you can access the bad thought giblet. With a well cleaned soldering iron set on high you can give your self a boo-hoo lobotomy. The grumpy gland can be located by touch alone as it is likely to feel upset.

Scorpio Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)

If you think your dogs are safe, then think again, due to the dominant position of Mars they are likely to be stuck in an elevator for hours or hit by flying ice. Lucky Jupiter in your sign this month is sure to keep you from eating too much. Experiment with ways to use positive thinking and creative visualisation to manifest what you want. Your view of the world is greatly influenced by your past experiences, but most of the time this isn’t conscious, particularly when fear and shame are involved.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (22 November – 21 December)

Dear Sagittarius, complex does not even come close when it comes to you personality. This month Jupiter’s position suggests that your natural exuberance and enthusiasm, is not a deep-seated personality trait, but a malleable attitude about the self. Being carefree is not the same as being careless. Admit your mistakes at least to yourself, rather than through the distorted dark glass of self-justification. Later in the month you may have generalised anxiety disorder.

Capricorn Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)

Dear Capricorn, with the new moon rising in Gemini your brain needs to preserve a coherent belief system and protect your view of your self. At the end of the month you will be richer in collagen and elastin and able to withstand repeated trauma and friction. Now is the time to experience a love beyond words, but beware, your ruling planet, Mercury, could cause you to miss or overlook the finer details later in the month, leaving you, itchy and perplexed.

Aquarius Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)

Mars moves into your opposite sign in August. Aquarius rules the ankles, Jupiter is at the top of your chart, and you are worried about yeast infection. Try being a little messier in some ways, eat less sugar and see if there is an improvement in your creative thinking. Most people with genital herpes got it from their partners. This month, all in all, when you put things in perspective things aren’t so bad. Unexpected new interests may change your plotted course in surprising ways. Try salsa dancing, smiling at strangers or shooting rats.

Pisces Pisces (19 February – 20 March)

Dear Pisces, this week a misplaced garden hose, toy truck, un-even paving and slippery surfaces, can all result in a fracture. But Jupiter is well aligned to give you an added dose of determination with the help of geranium oil, which has both stimulating and refreshing qualities. Your computer keyboard festers 75% more bacteria than a broken pub toilet, not only is this where vermin breed – but this is where the bad guys will steal your identity, at the start of the month. With the rising of mercury in Pisces on the 15th in conjunction with fellow water sign cancer, Gaviscon double action should go to the source of the problem.