Aries Aries (21 March – 19 April)

This month an unwelcome motley crew of powerful planets will be moving into your forth house. Detach your non-manipulative straight swivel coupling from the wall plate elbow coupling immediately above the main stop cock to enable the rising of Mercury – your ruling planet to be drained. The transit of Mercury into Gemini should offset the slightly obstructive influence of Uranus, which is currently holding you back. Jupiter, however, will give you the little push you need especially in terms of an efficient system.

Taurus Taurus (20 April – 20 May)

Dear Taurus, If you’ve been struggling over any particular problem, be it work or finance related; or to do with incompetence and regret; then worry no more. The transit of Mercury into Gemini suggests that you’ll be positively silver tongued and able to charm birds from trees. While you are doing that Scorpio is going to have a word with your Solicitor to call the whole silly business off. For the next few weeks put your feet up and all your problems might go away. Challenge your guiltcreating attitudes. It may be necessary to control or blank these thoughts with powerful magnets.

Gemini Gemini (21 May – 20 June)

If you are sometimes prone to drama, ask yourself – what reaction do you expect? Are you trying to get attention or alleviating feelings of low self worth? Due to the transit of Mercury into your air sign of Gemini, pressure has silently been catching up on you. When releasing pressure, use the wrong end of a teaspoon on your valves or the stale air will give you warts. The transit of Mercury into Gemini suggests that a short break to somewhere new is on the immediate horizon for you – try 10 ml of intramuscular ketamine hydrochloride per day in 1ml doses.

Cancer Cancer (21 June – 22 July)

Dear Cancer, this month due to the full moon of Jupiter eclipsing Virgo, you may feel unusually intimidated with circumstances that seem beyond your control. Familiarize yourself with how to efficiently get out of a riptide. Not a metaphysical one; but a real one. This knowledge can be applied to other elements in life. Sometimes you have to go with the flow – but always be ready to go your own way when the opportunity presents its self. Avoiding un-winnable fights does not mean you have submitted. Play the long game then you’ll be the winner. Let the currents do the work for you. When you are basking in the sun in calm waters, these turbulent times will seem like a distant memory.

Leo Leo (23 July – 22 August)

Intense feelings of yearning are innate and sometimes uncomfortable. A new face on the scene might look promising today, but it’s possible that they will prove to be a bit of a disappointment. But bland and boring is the new hot and smoking, so do not ignore this stranger just because you don’t like them. Ignore what your heart tells you it only leads to trouble. Fill the gaps with TV fast music and vodka.

Virgo Virgo (23 August – 22 September)

You thrive of other peoples energy, enthusiasm and love; but at the same time you also absorb their toxic emissions and this can have a draining effect on you. Your friends and their problems will still be there in two weeks. Take a bit of time to yourself to recharge. Use a constant voltage, with constant current finish. 14.7 volts – when the current falls below 1 amp, finish with 2 amp. Your dreams are now likely to be very vivid and it would help you if you were to write them down.

Libra Libra (23 Sept – 22 October)

Dear Libra, the blustery nature of your air sign this month will be affected by an unexpected love encounter, with the water sign of Scorpio. Please do not ignore the fact that your actions will affect a third person; and adding a fire sign into the turbulent mix will result in high pressure steam. But every steam cloud has a silver lining – these turbulent next two months will be a creativity supernova; and a time to explore inner beauty. In these exciting times caution needs to be taken – as exploring such inner beauty can get you into all sorts of trouble. Keep your tools sterile and familiarize yourself with legal loop holes.

Scorpio Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)

Spend a little time today planning how to nurture the inneryou, because thanks to Mercury in Gemini you are more than likely to develop a reliable sixth sense. Taking on a new interest, such as palmistry or even meditation will help fine tune your intuition. Pin pointing the cause of a creative block is vital. A very slow discharge from the appliance indicates a partial blockage, usually caused by a build up of filthy thoughts. If plunging fails it is likely to be a solid object lodged there from a previous relationship. To dislodge a blockage, probe your pipes with a piece of flexible wire such as expanding curtain wire. It would help to spend some time alone for a few days.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (22 November – 21 December)

This month the transit of Mercury will be moving through your nuero-transmitters serotonin, bringing out the best and worst of your nature. During this month yo’’ll tend to be overly sensitive and sentimental. Focusing on emotional vulnerability inserts a vocabulary of difficulty and anxiety into your thinking and reactions. Dig a 10m long trench that’s one spade’s depth deep, and lay these feelings – eyes uppermost, at the bottom and cover with lime. During the summer months practice your new constructive attitude and the resulting increase in dopamine will improve your genital circulation.

Capricorn Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)

The influence of Venus moving into Capricorn suggests you may have restless leg syndrome. A New Moon in Scorpio will bring the chance to feel more in control emotionally and more confident. Later in the month, experiment with ways to use positive thinking and creative visualization, Don’t take things for granted. When having a piss think about people on dialysis and realise how lucky you are.

Aquarius Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)

Peoples’ inefficiency frustrates you and makes you angry. We all hate being reminded of things that remind us of our own failings. Ask yourself how can I improve my own efficiency; and tell yourself everyone else is doing their best. The Moon in your sign will allow you to express your opinions – but you’ll need to work at being empathetic. Refrain from emotional responses when communicating; and stay focused on getting your point across. Mercury, the planet of communication turns direct on Saturday, which means that Uranus also turns direct on Sunday, bringing some interesting new friends your way.

Pisces Pisces (19 February – 20 March)

The transit of Mars into the fellow water sign of Scorpio indicates that this month you need to fulfil your potential. Energise your water by storing it near pylons. This will improve running time in deep cycle use rekindling your embers of love while the rest of the planets suggest moonstone might help to focus your thoughts.